Madness, Mayhem and Magic Brownies
by Diviana Foresman
Summary: Uh... they all go to the mall... some 4x3... a crappy Christmas fic


Madness, Mayhem and Magic Brownies

Diviana

September 15, 2002

For Tienna

* * *

"Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, I'll chop you down, don't fall on me," Duo sang as he strolled through the hall, braid swinging side-to-side. "You smell so nice, you look so green. Excuse my scythe for bein' so mean."

"Maxwell, you are an idiot." Wufei commented, walking past.

"You're just sayin' that 'cause you know I'm right!" Duo shot back.

"Whatever."

Duo shrugged and continued down to the den to watch a new movie - Zombie Space Bats From Mars. As he walked past the kitchen, he heard Heero talking to Trowa about Quatre's mission. Duo paused for a moment, grinning ear-to-ear. "Hey Heero, whatcha doin' down there?"

"Huh? Under where?" Duo laughed again.

"I made you say underwear! Woohoo!" He ran off to watch his movie still laughing. Heero looked up at Trowa again, who blinked in response.

"I wouldn't ask," the taller pilot said as he started dinner. Heero nodded.

"I won't." After a moment, he started again. "I hope he's wearing his thermal underwear." Duo cracked up, holding onto the doorjamb so he wouldn't fall over. Heero turned to look at him strangely. "Duo, what're you doing?"

"You said underwear again!"

"Um... okay..." Heero looked up at Trowa, who shrugged cluelessly. Duo grinned, taming down his giggles. "What do you want?"

"Popcorn!" he answered, holding up a bag. Duo popped it into the microwave and hit a button. "Can't watch a movie without popcorn. Or pop, we got any Coke?" he asked, sticking his head in the refrigerator.

Wufei snorted as he walked in, a book in his hand and reading glasses in the other. Catching the last part of Duo's comments, he replied easily, "Maxwell, if we had any cocaine, I doubt we'd keep it in the fridge. Furthermore, we wouldn't let you have it. You're already smoking something as it is." He set the glasses and book on the table.

"He was talking about soda, Wufei," Trowa elaborated.

"Ah." Duo closed the fridge, juggling three cans of Coke II in his left hand.

"Hey, whatcha readin'? Better not be one o' mine."

"I doubt it," Wufei said, pulling down a porcelain teacup from the cabinet. Duo nodded, lips pursed pensively as he leaned back to read the book's title while opening the microwave and still holding his soda.

"The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich? The hell is this?"

"It is a very informative documentary on Adolph Hitler and his power over Germany, leading it to start World War Two."

"Uh huh. Geek."

"Stupid American."

"Four-eyed Chinese dude on crack."

"Weak onna."

Duo's lower lip trembled. "Heero, he called me a woman..."

"I heard."

"But... I'm a guy..."

"And your point is?" Heero asked.

"He has no point, Yuy," Wufei said, pouring his tea. "He just talks and talks, eats and talks some more. He never has a point."

"That's not true!" Duo argued. Heero snorted. Wufei went on to say something else when the front door opened.

"Lucy," came Quatre's giggling voice, "I'm home!"

"So I heard," Trowa answered, drying his hands on a towel and leaving the other three in the kitchen to greet the blond.

"Hi Trowa!" Quatre smiled widely. Heero entered the room cautiously.

"Uh huh..." Trowa said carefully. "Are you okay?"

"Sure!" he shrugged. "Never felt better! Oh, hello friend Duo!"

"Hey, Q, my man," The American sidled up to him, put his arm around the narrow shoulders and tried proving Wufei wrong by getting Quatre on his side.

"Actually, Duo, I think I'd rather talk to Trowa than you," Everyone blinked.

"Quatre, are you alright?" Heero asked.

"Of course!"

"Are you drunk?" Wufei demanded.

"No," Quatre said in an obvious tone.

"He's high," Duo said. "Duh, can't you tell?"

Heero raised an eyebrow. "High on what?"

"Uh..." Duo grinned lopsidedly, "Hey, my movie's on!" He rushed off. Wufei rushed after him, yelling about the injustice of changing subjects. Heero approached Trowa's side cautiously.

"Quatre, were you smoking?"

"No, friend Heero,"

"Are you sure?"

"Yep! Sure as my name's Billy Bob Joe the Third."

"But, Quatre... your name's Quatre, Quatre..." Trowa said. The blond blinked.

"Oh! So it is!" Heero and Trowa looked at each other. Heero shrugged and headed off to separate Duo and Wufei as they threw each other off the couch, throwing pillows at each other.

Trowa looked down at Quatre. "What did you have to eat, today, Quatre?" he asked, taking the blond's coat and hanging it up for him.

"Well... I had toast this morning..." he smiled up at Trowa. "And I had my Sri Lanka tea of course, with two eggs sunny-side-up, and... lesse... for lunch I had black coffee and uh... what was it the man called it? ... Hm... magic brownies I think it was." Trowa blinked.

"Quatre... do you know what magic brownies are?" he asked patiently.

"They're really good,"

"Besides that."

"No. But they're really good."

"Yes, I know, you've told me." Trowa led him to the kitchen where Heero was getting an ice pack for his head. "Heero, uh, Quatre's high..."

"So I've noticed," Heero's head tipped down and Trowa followed his gaze.

"Quatre! No!" He zipped his pants back up, swatting Quatre's hands away. The blond giggled.

"But Trowa..." Heero shook his head and tossed the blond a box of crackers. "Oh! Crackers, yummy!" He quickly downed a few handfuls, swaying back and forth while trying to tell them a joke. "Airplane!" he said. "Get it? Huh?" Trowa looked down at Heero, a strange expression on his face.

"I guess he had a couple of brownies..."

"Agreed." Heero said, "Unfortunately for you, we don't have anymore crackers. And if he can't fulfil his hunger, he'll try to fulfil," Trowa stepped away, pushing Quatre into a seat and straightened his shirt again.

"Dammit, Quatre, keep your hands to yourself!"

"But Trowa, you're just so sexy..." Heero snorted, leaving the room as he shook his head.

"Quatre, no."

"But--"

Duo ran in, Wufei following. "Drive us." they demanded. "Mall. Now." Trowa blinked.

"Um... okay..."

"Now!" Trowa nodded.

"Go get your jackets then..." he said, and the three other pilots rushed out, Duo squealing as Quatre goosed him. Trowa shook his head and went to find Heero.

"Omae o korosu!" Heero shouted when his bedroom door opened. He blinked at Trowa. "Oh. It's just you." He went back to typing on his computer.

"You need anything from the store?" Trowa asked. Heero just shut off his laptop and followed him down to the door, mumbling about killing everyone so he'd be able to do his work.

Trowa sat in the driver's seat, Wufei beside him. Heero sat in the middle of the backseat, separating Duo and Quatre. Unfortunately, that meant he would be the one getting hit on by the pot-made-horny Arabian. "Dammit, Quatre, don't touch that!" Quatre giggled in response.

"Oh Allah! Look!" He pointed out the window all of a sudden. "There's a turkey dressed up as the Easter Bunny!"

"Oookay now," Duo commented. "Next thing we'll know is that Wufei still believes in Santa Claus."

Heero snorted. "As if you never believed."

"Well," Duo said. "I did once. But then I realized that an old fat man dressed in red silk pajamas with fur trimming and thousands of gifts wouldn't last a minute in my old neighbourhood." Trowa chuckled. Then Duo began to sing again. "On the twelfth day of Christmas, my ex-wife gave to me, twelve velociraptor eggs."

"That's not how it goes..."

"Eleven socks a-stinkin'."

"Maxwell,"

"Ten bags of Snickers."

"Shut up."

"Nine leaping wombats."

"Oh my Allah! The polar bears are being eaten by the alien indigo pigs armed with fudge-guns!"

"Eight soggy tacos."

"Stop!"

"Seven bologna-and-peanut-butter-sandwiches."

"Enough!"

"Six silly-billy-goo-goos."

"Maxwell, stop!"

"Five hornet stings."

"Omae o korosu!"

"Four crawling nerds."

"Weee!"

"Three stooges."

"Duo, please..."

"Two curdled gloves."

"Hey look, there's Jesus!"

"and some garbage in a bare tree!"

"THANK YOU!"

"What?" Duo looked around innocently. Quatre gasped.

"No! You poor, poor cannibal! I'll save you from the judicial branch!" Quatre rolled down the window and tried to jump out, but Heero grabbed him by the waist and hauled him back down.

"Shit, man, the hell is he on?" Duo demanded.

"Magic," Trowa answered sourly.

"He ate hash brownies? Cool!"

"No, not cool, Duo, now shut up." Heero commanded as he rebuckled Quatre's seat belt and rolled up the window.

"But, I have to save Joan of Arc! The devil, the devil's going to eat her!"

"Joan of Arc, the Maiden of Orleans, was burned at the stake by the English for heresy, Q," Duo recited.

"Oh well!" Wufei shouted.

"Don't yell!" Trowa shouted back.

"Stop!" Quatre shrieked, throwing his arms over his head. "Mommy! Mommy! Iria's at another frat party with her boyfriend!" Trowa sighed heavily, shaking his head and parked the car in a space at the mall's parking lot.

"Hey!" Duo said, grinning. He reached over to turn the radio up. "My bum is on the gum, my bum is on the gum! I can blow a bubble with my bum bum bum!"

"Maxwell! Too much information!"

"Duo, stop,"

"Omae o korosu!"

Quatre smiled. "My bum is on the ship!" he joined in, "The battle ship! Hope they don't shoot the cannon in my bum... and shoot poo all over the place... poo poo..."

"Alright!" Trowa flipped off the radio and herded everyone inside the store.

"'Cause it's not fun when they shoot a cannon in your bum..."

"Stop singing!" Heero demanded. It was instantly silent throughout the entire store as everyone looked at him. "Thank you!" He shook his head and walked away towards the computer parts aisle. Quatre's face lit up again and he pulled Trowa away. Duo glared at Wufei, who glared back.

"Okay, here's the deal." Duo started. "Fifty dollars. Nothing that would hurt too much, got it?"

"Yes."

"Fine. Half hour. Go!" The two rushed away in opposite directions.

* * *

"Quatre, where are we going?" Trowa asked as the blond tugged him down the aisle.

"What a nice shirt you have!" Quatre exclaimed, stopping to compliment a man passing by.

"Why thank you,"

"Of course. My, you look lovely today, Miss,"

"Oh, sir," the woman blushed. "Thank you,"

"My pleasure," Quatre went on and on, still pulling Trowa along until they reached the clothing section.

"But, Quatre... uh..." Trowa was left confused as they passed by the male section. Instead, Quatre stopped in the middle of the woman's dresses.

"What colour, Trowa?" He held up pink sundress.

"Um... how about we go over there and get you slacks instead? Okay? C'mon,"

"But Trowa!" Quatre wailed. "I want a pretty dress! I never get pretty dresses! How come I--" Trowa slapped his hand over his mouth.

"Fine. You can have one. Now keep quiet, people are staring." Quatre nodded emphatically, a huge grin on his round face. Quatre slung the pink frilly dress over his arm and led Trowa into the men's department where he promptly handed him a pair of leather pants and a green silk shirt. "What..."

Quatre shoved him into one of the dressing rooms. "Come out so I can see!" he sang happily. Trowa looked down at the clothing and began hitting his head repeatedly against the door. "Trowa? Are you okay in there? Do you need me to come in and help?"

"No!"

* * *

Wufei looked around the aisle. He smiled and pointed to the tank of goldfish.

* * *

Watching carefully, Heero lit the wick of the candle and put it on the floor. Grinning, he ran over to hide behind a shelving unit, but continued watching the contraption in the aisle. As the wick burned down, the wire connecting to the lawn-mower heated up and the blade spun to cut a string to open the bottle of acetone which poured down into the candle. As soon as the flame hit the liquid, it spiralled up to the ceiling and out to the sides.

"Yes!"

* * *

Trowa pursed his lips. "No."

"But Trowa," Quatre whined, tugging on his sleeve.

"No."

The blond turned to the woman standing there. "Go ahead, little lady, it's okay."

Trowa glared at him before warning, "Touch my hair and die."

* * *

Duo clapped happily as he found what he was looking for.

* * *

Heero looked around and climbed the shelving unit, standing ontop of the soundcards and computer speakers. He smiled.

* * *

"But Trowa... you won't even do it for me?"

"No."

"Sirs --"

"Touch my hair and die."

"Trowa! We shouldn't be fighting! We love each other!"

"No."

"Sirs --"

"Shut up!"

* * *

Duo chuckled as he threw toilet paper in his cart. His smile grew wider as pink dye and duct tape joined it.

* * *

"Yes..." Wufei smiled. He clapped his hands together and laughed loudly and maniacally, receiving a few stares from other customers. He quickly shut up and proceeded to drop a tube of lipstick in his cart. Matching nail polish and some ribbons... eye shadow... "Mwahahaha - sorry, ma'am..."

* * *

"Look, Trowa! Bubble bath!" Trowa whimpered as he tugged on the millions of tiny braids his hair was now in. A box of rose scented bubble bath was shoved into his arms, followed by some candles and strawberries. "You know, Trowa, I've always wondered about something..."

"And what is that?" Trowa asked, afraid of the answer as deep red coloured silk sheets joined his burden.

"Where does the sun go at night? Have you ever wondered that, Trowa?"

"No, Quatre." Baking chocolate.

"And what about the amount of licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop?"

"No." A dozen roses.

"What about Relena's sexuality?"

"No... What?" CD compiled with love songs.

"Well, think about. She acts like she loves Heero so much. Yet, pink and purple are her favourite colours! Gay pride colours."

"You wear pink and purple all the time, Quatre," Dirty romance book.

"I know."

"Quatre?" Markers.

"Yes?"

"Never mind. I don't want to know." An apron.

"Okay. Hey Trowa, have you ever wondered if Chichiri died or not?"

"What?" Cowboy hat.

"You know. Chichiri. Na no da."

"No..." Cowboy boots.

"Okay. No da." Quatre giggled.

* * *

Duo chuckled as he handed the clerk a handful of money. Wufei, in the cash register over, was chuckling as well.

* * *

Heero smiled wider.

* * *

"Okay, so then the man says to the ferret," The girl nodded patiently as she rang up Quatre's purchases. Trowa only groaned.

* * *

"I am king of the world!" -crash- "Omae o korosu! Who pushed over the shelf!"

* * *

"It's good to be home," Trowa sighed, closing the door as he watched Duo and Wufei jump on each other armed with duct-tape and make-up. Heero nodded.

"Yeah... I'll be in my room tending to the bruise on my tushie."

"What!"

"I mean... seeing if we have any new missions,"

"Uh huh..."

"Trowa!" Quatre bounded up in his new dress. "Here!" He gave him the leather and silk clothing. "Come on, hurry up! The bath is getting cold!"

* * *

"Merry Christmas Wufei." Duo murmured, rubbing his eyes tiredly. The vivid make-up he wore rubbed off some, but no one noticed.

"Merry Christmas to you, too, Maxwell." Wufei answered, half asleep as he pulled the rollers from his hair.

"I beat you, Wufei, I totally won the bet."

"Nu huh, Maxwell. I got more make-up on you. Besides, I did your hair in corn-rows."

"But I wrapped you up in duct-tape and toilet paper and put your hair in curlers."

"I painted your room puke green."

"I dyed your hair pink."

"Damn. I guess you did win."

"'Course. I'm the god o' death... you're just a stupid dragon..."

* * *

"'Morning Quatre," Trowa said as the blond blinked awake.

"My head..." Trowa smiled.

"I take you won't eat brownies again?"

"Nu huh," Quatre shook his head fervently.

"That's good. I don't think I like you high and horny."

"But..."

"I like you better if you're just the latter,"

"Oh, Trowa."

"Quatre..."

"Trowa..."

"Quatre..."

"Trowa!"

"What?"

"Your hair's in my eye...!"

"... Sorry..."

* * *

Heero sniffed as he patted his rear affectionately. "Those mean people at the store... they bruised my tushie..."

* * *

owari

A/N : The Bum Bum Song belongs to Tom Green, and the Messed Up Version of the Twelve Days of Christmas belongs to Ann Martin. Neither are used with permission. Gundam Wing also isn't mine, and neither is Zombie Space Bats From Mars, Coke or magic brownies. Damn... though I'm glad the WWII book isn't mine... too frickin' long... . ;


End file.
